I have been single now for three years and all my friends and family are wondering when I am going to find another person to be with. I chose to stay single to concentrate on my business which is one reason my ex and I broke up. I was so stressed when I was married because of financial and emotional responsibilities. Every day I would work all day then go to work my night job that paid the bills. I was under constant attack by my wife for not giving her enough attention. She didn’t understand why I had to spend so much time building my business. She was fine with where we were in life. I was not fine with scraping by and wanted to do something about it. I knew that if I kept at it my business would eventually reward my efforts. Just as my business started to blossom my wife decided she wanted to leave me and make my life a living hell. She wanted a divorce but she couldn’t move out for a month. Every day she would let me know what a loser I was and that my business would lead to nothing. I really felt physically ill every day that she was at the house. I knew that it was over but she insisted on making it worse. She finally moved out and we had to deal with each other over the divorce. It was the hardest time of my life and I swore that I would never be in that position again. I made a vow to myself that I would never let someone do that to me again. Now it is three years later and I haven’t dated or gotten into a relationship. I have found myself working constantly to fill the void of not having a partner. Instead of going out on Friday nights I work from home. Instead of the beach it’s laptop on the porch.
I have had a lot of time to ponder my life and the direction it has gone. I still have fun with my friends but I always do things alone. I have achieved the most inner peace I have ever had. I always had a girlfriend since I was in grammar school. I always wanted to get married and have kids. I always wanted to have a beautiful wife that was just as caring and giving as my own mother. I had the dream of playing catch with my son like I did with my father. I wanted to have kids so I could teach them everything I know. I wanted to share birthday’s, Christmas, and all the family things that I had as a child. Basically, I wanted the life that my parents had. My childhood memories are the best times of my life. I remember that we didn’t have any money but we were happy. My parents had four kids and there was nothing that we weren’t provided. I have two older brothers and a younger sister and we all cherish the days of growing up in our little house in New Jersey. My siblings all got married and had children for themselves and they are as happy as can be. My siblings have the dream that I thought I wanted most of my life. Kids running around the house and taking them to baseball practice or some other activity. I am now considering whether or not I ever want to get into another relationship or not. I don’t have any children and I can do whatever the hell I want, when I want. Do I really want some person nagging me about where we are going to eat tonight? Do I want to “check in” with someone just because we are a couple? I have never had this much control over my own life and it’s liberating to say the least.
I tried to put all the positive things together in my head of being in a relationship. I came up with the most obvious things such as companionship and sex to start. I tried to think back to when I was not single and what were the things that made me happy. I started to think about good stuff like watching a movie together, holding each other in bed, laughing at ourselves, sharing meals together, feeling wanted, hugs and kisses, and make up sex. I quickly came to the conclusion that all the things I enjoyed about being in a relationship were things I could do being single. Maybe I am naive but all the stress in my life up to this point has been caused by toxic people and my relationships with them. Every woman that I have ever had a serious relationship with has caused some sort of damage to my psyche. My very first love cheated with one of my best friends and it still hurts to this day. The next love of my life moved away to pursue her career. My wife left me because I worked too much and I didn’t give her the attention she needed. Why should I trust another woman that is most likely going to do the same thing once she knows I care for her?
It is like nature and a harmless looking plant that actually can really hurt you. That’s how I feel about relationships and what they offer. The moment you think you are in a good place with someone, you find out that they are actually toxic for you. So I guess the question is, “is my life better as a single person?”. The answer is an emphatic YES! I enjoy all the things that life has to offer without ever being nagged about it. I haven’t raised my voice or gotten pissed off in three years. If I want to get laid I have some friends with benefits that are also single and loving life. People that have known me forever act as though they feel sorry for me. The truth of the matter is that I feel sorry for them. I have traveled all over the country for work and made some amazing friends. My only responsibility is to my two dogs. If I want to watch nine hours of football on Sunday that’s exactly what I do. If I feel lonely I call my friends and family and ask how things are at home. They give the rundown on why everything is shit and I immediately feel better about my life. I cook gourmet meals for myself every night. I watch the shows that I want to watch. I rent the movies that I want to rent. If I want to leave clothes on the floor that’s what I do. I haven’t cleaned my comforter in 2 months and I am fine with that. Last night I ate half a sleeve of Oreo’s and drank whole milk. The weather is supposed to be nice this weekend so I may go to the beach or I might go to the mountains. It’s my life and if there’s going to be someone in it, they have to conform to my lifestyle. Knowing that no woman would put up with the shit I do, I have come to the conclusion that I may die alone and single. I may never know love again and I am fine with that. I have friends that are married and never tell their spouses they love them. They are in so deep there’s no way out. I am going to embrace my single lifestyle and look at it as a blessing. I am going to live each day to the fullest for all the suckers out there that don’t have the opportunities I have. People have it backwards, being single is not a curse. It is a chance to do the things that married people dream of and can only hope to do someday. My friends all have kids. They have twenty plus years of raising them ahead and will never experience what I will during that time. I want to look back on these years and laugh at the immature things I have done. Maybe I will meet someone along the way who will change me back to a relationship man, it’s going to take one hell of a woman to pull that off.